How to Use a Consultation to Find the Right Couples Therapist
Finding a couples therapist isn’t just about credentials or availability—it’s about finding someone who aligns with your values and helps create a space where both partners feel heard, respected, and supported. A consultation is your opportunity to assess whether a therapist is the right fit for you, not just in terms of expertise but also in how they approach their work as a therapist in real-time with you as their client and their values as a therapist.
If you and your partner are considering couples therapy, here’s a step-by-step guide to help you approach a consultation from a values-based perspective.
1. Define Your Core Relationship Values
Before scheduling a consultation, take time to reflect on what matters most to your relationship. Clarifying your relationship values will help you recognize whether a therapist’s style and perspective align with the kind of connection you want to build.
Ask yourselves:
What are the core values that define our relationship? (e.g., trust, emotional safety, mutual growth, accountability)
What do we believe makes a healthy partnership?
What do we want to strengthen or improve in our relationship?
Having a clear sense of your values will help you determine whether a therapist’s approach aligns with what you and your partner need.
2. Approach the Consultation as an Interview
A consultation isn’t just a chance for a therapist to gauge how they can help you—it’s also your opportunity to assess whether their approach suits your relationship values. Think of this as an interview process where you and your partner actively evaluate how the therapist communicates, listens, and holds space for both of you.
Pay attention to:
How they respond to both you and your partner—do they balance both perspectives?
Whether they create a space where both partners feel heard and respected.
Whether they ask thoughtful questions that align with your values and goal.
How comfortable and safe you both feel talking with them.
You don’t need to make a decision right away. Instead, use the consultation as an interview process—it’s okay to take time afterward to reflect before committing.
3. Ask Value-Based Questions
Beyond logistics like fees, scheduling, or insurance, your consultation should uncover the therapist’s core values and approach. This helps you see if their philosophy complements your relationship objectives.
Therapist’s Approach
How do you view your role in working with couples?
What are some key principles that guide your work with couples?
How do you work with couples experiencing [insert what you want support with here]?
How do you approach relationship challenges that stem from differences in [insert differences between you and your partner here]?
Safety & Neutrality
How do you ensure that both partners feel heard and validated in therapy?
How do you handle situations where one partner is more vocal and the other is more reserved?
What steps do you take to create a judgment-free environment, especially if difficult or sensitive topics arise?
Culture & Politics: Do They Matter to You?
Therapists are human, and their spoken or unspoken perspectives can influence the therapeutic space. If topics related to culture, politics, identity, or societal issues are important in your relationship, it’s worth exploring how a therapist navigates them. These questions may feel sensitive, but if these topics are meaningful to you and your partner, they should be addressed upfront.
How do you approach conversations about cultural differences in relationships?
How do you navigate discussions around race, gender, sexuality, or identity?
Do you believe therapists should take a neutral stance on political and social issues, or do you integrate them into therapy when relevant?
If we experience different levels of privilege or marginalization, how would you help us explore that in therapy?
The goal isn’t to find a therapist who shares your exact views (unless that is important to you!) but rather one who can create a space where you feel safe discussing the topics that matter to you and your partner.
4. Take Your Time Before Making a Decision
Many therapists offer a free consultation, and while it can be tempting to schedule an intake right away, you don’t have to make an immediate decision. Instead, let the consultation be an opportunity to gather information and reflect on how you and your partner felt in the conversation.
You can say:
“Thank you for your time. We’d like to take a little time to think about it before scheduling. We’ll get back to you.”
“We’re talking with a few therapists to see who feels like the best fit, and we’ll follow up if we’d like to move forward.”
We highly recommend taking this approach unless you’re absolutely sure you want to commit during the consultation. Giving yourselves time to debrief can help you make a more thoughtful decision, rather than feeling rushed into starting with a therapist who might not be the best fit.
5. Trust Your Intuition: How Did the Consultation Feel?
After the consultation, talk with your partner about how the consultation felt—beyond just the words exchanged.
Ask yourselves:
Did we both feel comfortable and safe?
Did the therapist seem genuinely interested in understanding our relationship?
Did they reflect back our concerns in a way that made us feel heard?
Did they approach us with neutrality and curiosity?
Did we leave feeling hopeful, or did something feel off?
Even if the therapist seems perfect on paper, your gut feeling matters. If something feels off or one partner doesn’t feel entirely heard, it may be best to continue exploring other options.
6. Be Willing to Walk Away If It’s Not the Right Fit
The consultation is a low-stakes way to decide if you want to work with this therapist. If you sense a lack of alignment—whether it’s in communication style, values, or overall energy—give yourself permission to keep looking. It’s better to invest the time now to find the right therapeutic match than to settle and regret it later.
Final Thoughts
A couples therapy consultation is more than just a formality—it’s a chance to ensure your couples therapist is the right fit for you and your partner. Therapy is an investment in your relationship, and finding the right therapist is worth the effort. It’s better to take your time and find someone who aligns with your values than to settle for a therapist who doesn’t fully meet your needs.
