A Therapist’s Reflections on the “Let Them Theory”
Lately, I’ve been getting a handful of clients talking about Mel Robbins’ “Let Them Theory.” Some people feel liberated by it; others aren’t quite sure how to put it into action. I’m always fascinated when a fresh perspective starts making waves—especially one that resonates with so many of us.
However, I want to be clear up front: this post is just a review of what I’ve gathered from Mel Robbins’ podcast and conversations with my clients. There’s a lot more detail in her book, The Let Them Theory. In my opinion, it’s crucial to understand how to apply the theory, figure out when (and when not) to use it, and learn how to cope with the often uncomfortable process of letting go. I’ve already noticed that some people in the media or on social platforms are grabbing hold of just a snippet of the concept, applying it without deeper understanding, and running into unintended consequences—for themselves or their relationships.
With any trendy concept, remember: be mindful, gather the full context, and do your research before deciding how (or if) it fits your life.
What Is the “Let Them Theory”?
The core idea behind the “Let Them Theory” is surprisingly simple: give people the freedom to act how they want, without trying to control or correct them. In other words, if they want to do something, let them. If they don’t want to, let them.
At first glance, this can sound almost too easy. But there’s real power in letting go of the need to micromanage others. When we stop policing everyone else’s actions, we can save a lot of emotional energy for ourselves—energy we can then channel toward our own well-being.
How “Let Them” Can Be Helpful
Less Stress and Overthinking
Think about how often we stress over other people’s behavior. “Why didn’t they listen to me?” “What if they blow this?” Embracing “let them” can dial down anxiety because we’re no longer taking responsibility for anyone else’s choices. That frees us up to focus on our own priorities.Healthier Boundaries
“Let them” also serves as a great boundary marker. It reminds us: “I’m not responsible for how someone else chooses to live or respond.” Each person is in charge of their own life, and we are in charge of ours.Feeling More in Control of Yourself
When we stop trying to steer others’ every move, we turn our focus back to the one person we can truly change—ourselves. Shifting from “fixing them” to understanding and managing our own emotions is a major step toward healthier relationships and better mental health.
Where “Let Them” Can Go Wrong
Avoiding Important Issues
“Let them” doesn’t mean ignoring problems or avoiding difficult talks. Sometimes, honest conversations are necessary to maintain healthy relationships or protect your own well-being.Ignoring Harmful Behavior
If someone’s actions are genuinely toxic or abusive, simply “letting them” continue can be detrimental. Boundaries exist for a reason—you shouldn’t have to tolerate harmful treatment.Neglecting Your Own Needs
Another risk is assuming “let them” means you should never speak up when something hurts or bothers you. It’s still crucial to communicate your feelings and set limits when necessary.Applying It to Everything
Not every situation benefits from “letting go.” Sometimes, collaboration, constructive feedback, or problem-solving is needed—especially in relationships that require teamwork or shared responsibility.
Tips for Putting “Let Them” Into Practice
Notice What You Can Control
Take a step back and list what you can truly influence. This helps you decide when “let them” is the best approach and when you might need direct communication or compromise.Check In With Yourself
Whenever you find your mind spiraling about someone else’s actions, pause. Ask, “Is this actually my responsibility?” If not, consider letting it go. But if a genuine concern—like disrespect or broken commitments—keeps arising, it may be time for an open, honest conversation.Speak Your Boundaries Clearly
Letting people be themselves doesn’t mean allowing them to disregard your well-being. If their behavior affects you, it’s okay to say, “I respect your choices, but here’s what I need.” You’re not demanding they change—you’re valuing your limits.Be Kind to Yourself
Uncomfortable feelings won’t magically disappear the moment you decide to let go. Frustration, sadness, or disappointment might still surface. Recognize these emotions and practice self-compassion—they’re part of being human.Stay Open to Real Conversation
“Let them” isn’t about going silent or becoming totally passive. If someone’s behavior impacts you, it’s fine to address it—respectfully and with empathy. The difference is you’re communicating how you feel, not insisting they do things your way.
Final Thoughts
It’s exciting to see an idea like the “Let Them Theory” spark so many conversations. At its heart, it underscores a common theme in therapy: we can’t control others, but we can decide how we react and what boundaries we set. With a bit of balance, “let them” can help us save energy, feel more grounded, and treat ourselves (and others) more compassionately.
Still, no single approach works for every situation. Sometimes, you do need to speak up, hold someone accountable, or step away for your own safety. The key is figuring out when to let go and when to lean in—and that requires a deeper understanding of the theory and mindful, informed choices. If you’re one of my clients, you’ve heard me emphasize this before. I plan to read The Let Them Theory for a fuller perspective, and I encourage you to do your own research, too.
