Boundary Setting: Navigating Infertility During the Holidays

Season’s Greetings! 

If you've found yourself here and are thinking, “Ugh, this is relatable…”, well, let's just acknowledge it - this situation truly sucks. If holiday gatherings have ever made you wish for an invisibility cloak or a teleportation device to skip the 'So, when are you having kids?' or the ‘How’s IVF going?' conversation, you're not alone. This is the virtual equivalent of a knowing nod and a sympathetic eye-roll because, let's face it, sometimes humor is the best armor against reality.

The holiday season, with its festive cheer and family gatherings, can be a joyous yet emotionally complex time, especially for those navigating infertility. This time of year is typically marked by hope, joy, and anticipation, yet for some, it's also a time that highlights the anticipation of the next round of fertility treatment, the dread of figuring out when and how to do your IVF shots secretly in the bathroom, grieving the loss and heaviness of lost pregnancies or babies, grappling with the unknown of why you’re experiencing infertility, or being reminded of how long you’ve been on this journey because it is yet another holiday that you don’t have your own baby. 

Amid the festivities, it can be challenging for those facing infertility to be resilient as they find ways to cope, set boundaries, and cultivate moments of healing while putting on a brave face amidst the holiday cheer.

So, if you're sipping your tea or coffee (or perhaps something stronger) and rolling your eyes at the thought of one more annoying or hurtful conversation or comment, welcome. We get it. We’re here with a whole lotta empathy for just how hard navigating infertility and setting boundaries is. Setting boundaries is a powerful tool for self-preservation but doing so is no walk in the park and although boundary setting is one of the best things you can do for yourself, it doesn’t always feel great.

Here is a brief guide to get you started, and remember: other people’s shitty responses or reactions to you setting boundaries for your mental, emotional, and physical well-being are their problem, not yours. You are not responsible for their inability to sit with the discomfort of not liking the boundary you set, I promise.

Direct Communication

The key to establishing effective boundaries is direct communication. Express your needs with clarity and kindness. For example, "While I appreciate your concern, let's avoid discussing family planning during our holiday gatherings."

Preemptive Conversations

Consider having preemptive conversations with close friends and family members before the holiday events. Share your feelings, express vulnerability, and let them know the topics that may be sensitive for you.

Educate and Raise Awareness

Educate others about the challenges of infertility. Help them understand that it's a private journey, and not everyone may be comfortable discussing it openly. Your vulnerability can foster empathy and create a supportive environment.

Deflecting Questions with Grace

Learn to deflect questions gracefully. For instance, "We're taking things one step at a time and would prefer not to delve into family planning discussions. Let's keep the conversation light and enjoyable."

Expressing Emotions

Don't be afraid to express your emotions. Share your feelings about navigating infertility during the holidays, and let your loved ones know how they can support you. Authenticity often paves the way for understanding.

Offering Alternatives

Gently guide the conversation towards neutral topics. Suggest alternative discussions that bring joy and positivity to the gathering, steering away from potentially sensitive subjects.

Setting Clear Expectations

Set clear expectations by communicating your comfort levels. Make it known that discussing certain topics may be challenging for you and that you'd appreciate everyone's understanding in maintaining a supportive environment.

Choosing When to Share

Timing matters. If there comes a moment when you feel ready to share updates about your fertility journey, do so at your own pace. Setting boundaries doesn't mean closing off entirely; it's about controlling the narrative and maintaining your emotional balance. But, if someone crosses the line, makes you uncomfortable, or shows that they are unable to respect your boundaries, you don’t owe them anything.

Gentle but Firm Responses

Respond to inquiries with a gentle but firm approach. For example, "We've decided to keep our family planning journey private for now. I hope you can respect our decision and enjoy the holiday season with us."

Expressing Gratitude

Express gratitude for the care and concern shown by others, while firmly standing by your boundaries. A simple "I appreciate your understanding and support in keeping our holiday gatherings positive and enjoyable for everyone" can go a long way.

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As you navigate the holiday season, remember that setting boundaries is an act of self-love — you deserve to set boundaries. By embracing the power of boundary setting, you create a space that respects your well-being, allowing you to cherish the festive moments without minimizing the difficulty of your experience.

And honestly, if you’ve made it this far, this guide for boundary setting can be applied to anything that needs a boundary. Don’t like the way your Aunt Marge makes comments about your eating habits? Boundary. Feel uncomfortable with the way your creepy second cousin talks to you? Boundary. Dread the questions about why you’re single? Guess what? Boundary!

Maybe we could come up with a new song called “Tis’ the Season for Boundaries” or something. I think it would be a good one…

Mollie 

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